Tears and Deer

I'm hoping this is going to be a short and sweet one but you know me... anything can happen.

I'm pretty much an open book with most people... if you want to know... ask.  I am uncomfortable sharing some things.  Like what I'm about to share.  If it can help someone.... then praise God.                                    

Use me for good God.  Every experience... every moment ...

Suffering with Anxiety and Depression is an "interesting" challenge.

I am taking meds for it and they work very well.  Not in that mind numbing or whooo hoo everything is so bright and perky in  my world kind of way, but in a hormone balancing "ahhhh, I feel normal" kind of way.                                                                                                                                                                            

It's a mild medication but it works for me.  I'm grateful to God for giving somebody the wisdom and knowledge to know how to create a medication that works for those of us that need it.

Every once in a while I'll have a day that is just overwhelming.  A day that just... pardon me but just drop kicks you right in the rear end.  As if everything is just working against you.

That was my day yesterday.

I know this sounds like whining.  Oh our first world problems right? Bear with me... this has a point.

I set goals for organizing and I was excited.  It's been going pretty well.  Our garbage man better make it today because I'm going to need a second bin pretty soon.... yesterday was bizaar though.  Every time I set out to do some simple task it seemed to get complicated and overblown into this gigantic mess! Kids were getting into everything they weren't supposed to. I'd talk to them about it. They'd stop. They'd apologize. Then they'd do it again. We'd talk again. They'd apologize again. They'd do it again. I was trying to get the basement back in order from the holidays and it would start shaping up, then my youngest... my tornado would come down and mess up the one small area I'd have cleaned up. I ended up re arranging my basement 4 times yesterday... furniture and all.  4 times I had to send my youngest upstairs.  By the time my husband got home from work I was about to lose it!  Thankfully my husband has been with me long enough to realize... oh it's one of THOSE days and jumps in to help even more than he usually does.   Bed time came and all was well but then I saw that my oldest had hidden something in his room that I had previously asked him not to.  After this day of asking and telling and scolding and yelling and disobeying, it was just enough. More than enough.  I left the room and sat on my couch and started sobbing.  My husband finished tucking the boys in bed, chatted with them and then came and sat with me.   His presence and gentle quiet touch calming me ... externally.

Internally is a tornado of emotion swirling uncontrolled in my mind.  Anger, frustration, confusion. Questioning internally.  God, I know this isn't a game to you and I sure know it isn't for me.  Thoughts of failing again... failing to control my frustration, to control my emotion.  Swirling.  Clarity coming in flashes... it's just a moment ... hang on.  It's just hormones.

I'm not happy with Eve right now! I could be in a beautiful garden right now... but nooooooooo.  Ya' just had to have the apple right???!!

Remembering to breathe and keep talking.. to God... yes God.  Even though I was kind of ticked at the moment that I still have the odd moment like this.

Terry left me alone for a little bit and I stepped out side so I could have a bit of fresh .... very fresh and brisk winter air slap me out of this.  Praying silently...God I wish I could just hear your voice ... have a clear message from you in a dream or something.... please... just please. I know you will use this for good some how...I know it.  I'm not exactly feeling it, but there is some logical part of my brain or the "faith" part of my brain is telling me this. So I'm going to ride this moment out.

Not a moment later as I stood on the corner of my street under the glow of the street light, trying to see the stars, something moved and caught my eye.  A flash thought in my mind was "was that those rabbits again?".  Just then two white tailed deer... bounding out of our back alley.  turned left down the street. One stopped and looked back at me, then bounded off to explore the field just north of our house.
The tiniest smile forced its way onto my face.

In 13 years of living in this house...I've seen rabbits, skunks and heard packs of coyotes.  I've never, ever seen a deer....especially 2.

God's precious gift?  A precious moment between a loving Father God and His oh so imperfect daughter?

Absolutely!

God I love you and thank you for the amazing and unique ways you show me you are with me.  That you love me. That you are merciful and loving.

Life isn't chocolate and roses all the time... God never said believe in me and life on earth will be easy for you.

God promised...PROMISED that he would NEVER leave me or forsake me.  I know God is with me no matter what crazy day I've had.  God holds me as I desperately try to not lose control on those days....waiting for me to hand it over to his control.  Surrender... that's the word I have to remember daily.  God gets to work the moment the thought is thought... the feeling is felt... the prayer is uttered.  "God I surrender"....

This particular moment.... there were tears...

and then the deer...

and a smile and a gracious heart.

Philippians 4:5-9
Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men.  The Lord is near.
Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.  The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you.


Psalm 46:1
God our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.