A New Year..Happy 2014

It's a brand New Year. Welcome 2014!!

New Year's Day or Eve seems to be if not literal, a symbolic farewell to events of the past year.  Sometimes breathing a sigh of relief after a particularly rough year, filled with challenges we thought would tear asunder the very fabric of our souls from our human frame.  Tears shed in sorrow return less frequently though the searing pain that accompanies a memory of a loved one who's life was so deeply interwoven with yours, still takes the breath away.  Not being able to control yourself as your hand frantically slaps against the chest as if applying pressure to an open wound.   Realizing it's not this hand that can piece together that shards of a broken heart.  A tear inevitably escapes.  It is a physical manifestation of the pain felt deep in the soul.

I find myself grabbing my chest with both hands overlapping each other as to grab the very hand of God himself.

His is the only hand that can soothe and mend the brokenhearted.

As I write this I think of the still tangible pain I feel when I think of our Jojo, but I've felt the same pain when talking to friends who have lost a loved one to eternity, or to those who have lost a loved one to separation or divorce.

Some time ago I prayed to God, yes God... to break my heart for what breaks His.  To allow me to see others as He sees them.

He did.

This is something to really think about before praying. Like really thinking about it before praying the prayer of Jabez.  Or praying for patience.  Don't do it lightly.  Don't get me wrong, I think we SHOULD pray these things.

It can be near impossible to describe the feeling when God breaks your heart for what breaks His.  I'm grateful for the heart wrenching pain as it is that pain that makes me act. It is that pain that makes me drop to my knees and surrender all to Him.  It is that pain that gives me the confidence of knowing that God walks before me and with me and stands at the end of my life with outstretched hands waiting for me.

He has also allowed me to see others as He sees them.  He has changed me to a point where I no longer  see people as just another face in the crowd but as unique and beautiful creations.  Who He has made for a specific purpose for such a time as this.

Most people don't see it in themselves. They certainly don't see it in others.

Yes, it can be a challenge at times for me as well.   I'm not claiming to have changed so completely, it certainly isn't by my own will but a complete surrender of my will.  I have lived 46 years desperately trying to prove that I can do it on my own.  To my family, to my friends. Not measuring up to my own standards and getting horribly depressed about it.

Finally it came this year. Late this year...like in the last month... A complete surrender.  I stopped searching for the "job" or purpose God wanted for me.  I started praying simply for God to make me the woman, the wife, the mother, the daughter , the sister, the friend He created me to be.

In that I got my answer.  I realized I've been frantically attempting to fit in to a mould I wasn't created for. At least not at this  time.  I keep searching outside the home.  God finally revealed to me....

Jackie... my daughter, my princess... what is it that makes you run from your home that I have so graciously provided for you? The home that has the amazing husband and sons I have gifted you with?
You haven't failed... as a wife, as a mother, as a homemaker.... You have failed to try because you are afraid of not succeeding.  

It is at this moment. this moment of revelation that a peace that surpasses all understanding washed over me.

These precious gifts... my God, who loves me so perfectly and completely, heard my prayer.  My husband who is the man God gave me to love me and lead me and provide for us.  The beautiful boys that are so completely different and yet so completely us.  The home that God himself has provided for us.  At this very moment, this is where I am to be.

It seems so obvious maybe to some of you.  If anyone reads this but one or two.  It wasn't to me... but it is now and my heart is full of joy.

So this year, I plan on blogging my journey of God fearing mother and homemaker with  you.

Enjoy.