Diggin' in.

I love getting into a new Bible study.  I love cracking open a new work book.  It's brings memories of the first day of school and cracking open a new text book.  The feeling of cool, crisp, brand new pages under my finger tips.  The smell of the pages and long since dried ink.... strange I know.  It's been a long time since I graduated from high school, yet starting a new study always reminds me of starting a new year at school.

I picked "Jesus the One and Only" by Beth Moore.

Why?

Nothing excites me more than my relationship with Jesus Christ.  Getting to know him is a driving passion.  One He has granted me, because I asked... because He loves me and wants to be in a relationship with me.

I love these in-depth studies because the Bible becomes so much clearer.  I believe if someone is truly God inspired in their writing this will be the result.  That the study will be based in scripture.  Used in the proper context and clarifying not confusing.

I have just completed Day 1 of Week 1 in this 10 week study.  I love that I can watch the videos on the Lifeway website and have my family and a few choice friends to discuss this with.

I like how we just jump right in to the word.  Jumping into to the Gospel according to Luke.

Now Luke , know as the "beloved physician" , was not an eye witness to the life of Jesus but was a close friend of Paul's.  I love his attention to detail, to his fascination and compassion for people.  Also that while specifically talking to Theophilus and instructing him in the historical reliability of the faith, it is slanted towards all "gentiles".  It is a very carefully researched and documented work.

Then taking a moment to pray and commit this study to God and commit to completing it.

The scripture that we are asked to focus on is  Luke 1:1-10 and then later 11-17.

This is where Luke is explaining the announcement of the birth of John the Baptist.  

I'm not going to get into a word for word transcription of the study because I'm sure there would be some copyright law broken that I don't have a clue about so I'm just going to get into what hit me.

Luke procedes in verses 5-17 to give some history about John the Baptists parents Zacharias and Elizabeth, which is completely fascinating to me because it makes the "characters"come alive.    Zacharias was priest of the division of Abijah and Elizabeth was one of the daughters of Aaron  so both came from a priestly family.  Goes on to explain that they were both rightous and walked blamelessly in the the sight of God. Which, I'm thinking deserved some pretty major bragging rights because to walk BLAMELESS??  In the sight of God??? Wow... I mean both being of priestly families ... that is a pretty high bar to measure up to...  yet, Elizabeth was barren, so no children, and both, at this point were "advanced in years". Past the age of child barring.   Luke explains that it is Zacharias turn, so to speak, (he was chosen by lot, kind of like... drawing his name)  to burn incense in the temple of the Lord. I mean this is a HUGE deal.  This is the one time he gets to do this in his life.  There were 24 divisions of priests that served in the temple for one week , twice a year and at major festivals.   Pretty daunting I'd say.

So Zacharias gets his turn and what happens?? An angel of the Lord shows up... namely Gabriel... in all his glory right beside the table of incense and speaks to him.  Tells him he and Elizabeth are going to  have a son and what his purpose is and what does the incredibly righteous priest say to the angel Gabriel??  We find out in vs. 18 that Zacharias questions the angel  and asks... "How shall I know this for certain? For I am an old man, and my wife is advanced in years."
vs.19- And the angel answered and said to him, "I am Gabriel, who stands in the presence of God; and I have been sent to speak to you, and to bring you this good news."
vs20- "And behold, you shall be silent and unable to speak until the day when these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which shall be fulfilled in their proper time."

I mean seriously???? This is what you choose to say?? This angel.... Gabriel.... shows up... during the one time in your life you can offer incense in this holy temple to give you this amazing news... and you want some proof...   whaaaaaaat??  or some further reassurance that this is from God.

wow. .. needless to say... as Mrs. Moore speculates... Gabriel didn't seem to be in the mood for Zechariah's doubtful retort... and zip goes the lips.  It wasn't permanent or anything but until Zechariah's faith "became sight" it was going to be aweful quiet around there.

what did I get out of this?

It doesn't matter how much we "believe", we are still going to have our doubts.  Most of us get that God loves us... but change us?  Sometimes we aren't so sure.  Can He really heal? Will He heal?  Will I ever believe enough?  

It almost feels cliche to say it already, it seems to be my mantra.  Leave it at the cross... know that God is in control.  Give all to Him and know there is a plan for your life, you were made for such a time as this for a purpose.  We just need to cling to His promises.  We gotta believe.

That's what I got out of the word today...

What I see...

On the surface I see faces...  blank stares in a sea of faces... like robots. Unaware that there is anyone else around.  

Every once in a while someone will make eye contact and smile.  Sometimes... rarely....it's genuine. 

Sometimes I see a smile but the pain shows in their eyes.  Genuine feeling pokes through the happy mask, giving up the facade.  

I hear hearts racing , hearts breaking, hearts leaping and occasionally dancing for joy.   

Minds swirling, unable to complete one thought at a time. Eyes darting. Fingers texting.  Distraction.

Noise of a world meant to keep our souls from finding peace.  

It takes a moment.

A deep breath...

or two... or three...

a silent prayer from one heart... from one soul... to the creator.  

Lord... be with me today... guide my steps... may I be your hands and feet... use me God.  Bless and keep them safe.  Protect them.

Open eyes and smile.... from the soul... a knowing glance between strangers...

a silent thank you... from a hurting soul...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn't take much to lift the spirits of someone who is hurting... just a desire and a prayer to  make a difference. 

New year ... New Study

This New Year I'm going to do something a bit different as far as my pursuit of knowledge and wisdom go....lol.

Normally I attend a women's bible study on Tuesday mornings and while it is completely amazing and I love and cherish my Tuesday mornings with my ladies, health and personal issues that I'd rather not get into,  are changing my plans a bit.

There is certainly nothing to worry about just a realization that I can NOT be every where at once and be all I want to be and all I want to do all at once. I am at a moment in my life where I need to focus first on God and then my husband and children.  To be there for them and while I appreciate the help and support of family, who are always there for us, I want to be there for my family too.

Having said that , let's move on.

I have decided to do a study all on my own.

I've chosen "Jesus the One and Only" by Beth Moore.  I am blogging about it because it will hold me somewhat accountable to complete it.

I love Beth Moore studies. The are in depth and really make me think.  Really make me dig through the Word.  I love that.  I prayed for a hunger for wisdom and knowledge and God has granted me an unquenchable thirst for it.

So join me or put up with me as I learn more about "Jesus the One and Only"

ok... Let's get organized!!

I love organization.  I love to organize. I would REALLY LOVE if someone would do it for me!!

Yet the older I get the more various organization tools truly excite me! I know... how boring.

Seriously though... like clear plastic bins... in various sizes!

A label gun... which I do not have, but plan on purchasing.  Oh the anticipation!! Oh the gloriousness of a well labelled and organized garage... crawl space  and laundry room.

First.... to de-clutter!!

I know... some of you are saying..

"who are you and what have you done with my friend/sister/daughter/wife/mother" ok let's face it ... if you know me at all you would know or at least think I must be talking about someone else!

Nope it's me.. clutter paralyzes me. It overwhelms and frustrates me. I don't know where to start and am horribly ill equipped to deal with it.  Not that my parents didn't try to teach me.  Every once in a while, whilst still living at home, I would take absolutely every item out of my bedroom and wash  all the walls, floors, baseboards, including the closet, then put everything back.  Trying to purge as I went. I was horrible at purging though. I swear I had an emotional attachment to everything!!
This is no longer the case.  Sometimes I wonder if I haven't gotten too detached from things... or perhaps too spontaneous in my purging moments.  I sometimes regret whatever it is I decided to purge. Realizing there is not much i can do about it once it's gone and hope that whoever has it now is enjoying it.

I digress....

The purpose in de-cluttering all these hidden areas is so I actually have space to store things that are actually worth being stored.  So I can actually de-clutter the areas that people do see ... like my counters, island... etc.  What's the use in having a desk or a filing cabinet when there is nothing in it, but on it.

This is my mission.  To get organized!!

I have also realised I am a schedule person.  I was almost desperate to buy an organizational calendar this year but didn't see anything I liked.  Then realised... Oh look... I have one on the computer.
Not being computer savvy, this is new to me.  I'm going to try it.

My daily chores I immediately want to enter into said schedule are.... make coffee, empty dishwasher, reload if need be. start laundry, make breakfast, drive kids to school, come home, wash floors, vacuum and clean bathrooms. Pick up Austin, come home make lunch.  Hang with my youngest amazing son... no schedule just take it as it goes. Library visit, museum... just reading at home or playing. Getting outdoors. Pick up Dallas, help him with homework, make dinner, clean up dishes, bathe kids, read stories, hang out with the boys and my man and bed time.

Fall into a coma and wonder why I ever gave up .... various vices.   Ok ... Wine and cigarettes.

Just kidding... why? It was slowing me down.... and I'm 40 years older than my kids!! I need all the energy I can get!

I'm writing this and just started giggling because I had a married mother of 3 actually ask me once what I did at home all day.  As she had never been a stay at home mom and that's ok.  I think she thought being a stay at home mom would be boring and one would literally sit on ones butt and watch soap operas and eat chocolate.

Bwaa hahahahaha.... I don't have time for that.  Even if I MADE time for that, it would be popcorn/chips and vanilla coffee, and it wouldn't be soaps,,,, though I did watch them when I was younger. It would be movies. Classic ones... with Clark Gable or Marilyn Monroe or Carey Grant!

Again... digressing.

Somewhere in this schedule I need to make time to file my bills and keep a calendar of our expenses... Oh yes and paying them on time would be good as well.

One thing I never have to make time for is prayer.  I am constantly talking with God. He is my love, my strength, my joy.

I know I can do this because I've surrendered all this to God. He is guiding me... He is with me.

I'm excited... so starts my "Mom adventure"!

Tears and Deer

I'm hoping this is going to be a short and sweet one but you know me... anything can happen.

I'm pretty much an open book with most people... if you want to know... ask.  I am uncomfortable sharing some things.  Like what I'm about to share.  If it can help someone.... then praise God.                                    

Use me for good God.  Every experience... every moment ...

Suffering with Anxiety and Depression is an "interesting" challenge.

I am taking meds for it and they work very well.  Not in that mind numbing or whooo hoo everything is so bright and perky in  my world kind of way, but in a hormone balancing "ahhhh, I feel normal" kind of way.                                                                                                                                                                            

It's a mild medication but it works for me.  I'm grateful to God for giving somebody the wisdom and knowledge to know how to create a medication that works for those of us that need it.

Every once in a while I'll have a day that is just overwhelming.  A day that just... pardon me but just drop kicks you right in the rear end.  As if everything is just working against you.

That was my day yesterday.

I know this sounds like whining.  Oh our first world problems right? Bear with me... this has a point.

I set goals for organizing and I was excited.  It's been going pretty well.  Our garbage man better make it today because I'm going to need a second bin pretty soon.... yesterday was bizaar though.  Every time I set out to do some simple task it seemed to get complicated and overblown into this gigantic mess! Kids were getting into everything they weren't supposed to. I'd talk to them about it. They'd stop. They'd apologize. Then they'd do it again. We'd talk again. They'd apologize again. They'd do it again. I was trying to get the basement back in order from the holidays and it would start shaping up, then my youngest... my tornado would come down and mess up the one small area I'd have cleaned up. I ended up re arranging my basement 4 times yesterday... furniture and all.  4 times I had to send my youngest upstairs.  By the time my husband got home from work I was about to lose it!  Thankfully my husband has been with me long enough to realize... oh it's one of THOSE days and jumps in to help even more than he usually does.   Bed time came and all was well but then I saw that my oldest had hidden something in his room that I had previously asked him not to.  After this day of asking and telling and scolding and yelling and disobeying, it was just enough. More than enough.  I left the room and sat on my couch and started sobbing.  My husband finished tucking the boys in bed, chatted with them and then came and sat with me.   His presence and gentle quiet touch calming me ... externally.

Internally is a tornado of emotion swirling uncontrolled in my mind.  Anger, frustration, confusion. Questioning internally.  God, I know this isn't a game to you and I sure know it isn't for me.  Thoughts of failing again... failing to control my frustration, to control my emotion.  Swirling.  Clarity coming in flashes... it's just a moment ... hang on.  It's just hormones.

I'm not happy with Eve right now! I could be in a beautiful garden right now... but nooooooooo.  Ya' just had to have the apple right???!!

Remembering to breathe and keep talking.. to God... yes God.  Even though I was kind of ticked at the moment that I still have the odd moment like this.

Terry left me alone for a little bit and I stepped out side so I could have a bit of fresh .... very fresh and brisk winter air slap me out of this.  Praying silently...God I wish I could just hear your voice ... have a clear message from you in a dream or something.... please... just please. I know you will use this for good some how...I know it.  I'm not exactly feeling it, but there is some logical part of my brain or the "faith" part of my brain is telling me this. So I'm going to ride this moment out.

Not a moment later as I stood on the corner of my street under the glow of the street light, trying to see the stars, something moved and caught my eye.  A flash thought in my mind was "was that those rabbits again?".  Just then two white tailed deer... bounding out of our back alley.  turned left down the street. One stopped and looked back at me, then bounded off to explore the field just north of our house.
The tiniest smile forced its way onto my face.

In 13 years of living in this house...I've seen rabbits, skunks and heard packs of coyotes.  I've never, ever seen a deer....especially 2.

God's precious gift?  A precious moment between a loving Father God and His oh so imperfect daughter?

Absolutely!

God I love you and thank you for the amazing and unique ways you show me you are with me.  That you love me. That you are merciful and loving.

Life isn't chocolate and roses all the time... God never said believe in me and life on earth will be easy for you.

God promised...PROMISED that he would NEVER leave me or forsake me.  I know God is with me no matter what crazy day I've had.  God holds me as I desperately try to not lose control on those days....waiting for me to hand it over to his control.  Surrender... that's the word I have to remember daily.  God gets to work the moment the thought is thought... the feeling is felt... the prayer is uttered.  "God I surrender"....

This particular moment.... there were tears...

and then the deer...

and a smile and a gracious heart.

Philippians 4:5-9
Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men.  The Lord is near.
Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.  The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you.


Psalm 46:1
God our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

A New Year..Happy 2014

It's a brand New Year. Welcome 2014!!

New Year's Day or Eve seems to be if not literal, a symbolic farewell to events of the past year.  Sometimes breathing a sigh of relief after a particularly rough year, filled with challenges we thought would tear asunder the very fabric of our souls from our human frame.  Tears shed in sorrow return less frequently though the searing pain that accompanies a memory of a loved one who's life was so deeply interwoven with yours, still takes the breath away.  Not being able to control yourself as your hand frantically slaps against the chest as if applying pressure to an open wound.   Realizing it's not this hand that can piece together that shards of a broken heart.  A tear inevitably escapes.  It is a physical manifestation of the pain felt deep in the soul.

I find myself grabbing my chest with both hands overlapping each other as to grab the very hand of God himself.

His is the only hand that can soothe and mend the brokenhearted.

As I write this I think of the still tangible pain I feel when I think of our Jojo, but I've felt the same pain when talking to friends who have lost a loved one to eternity, or to those who have lost a loved one to separation or divorce.

Some time ago I prayed to God, yes God... to break my heart for what breaks His.  To allow me to see others as He sees them.

He did.

This is something to really think about before praying. Like really thinking about it before praying the prayer of Jabez.  Or praying for patience.  Don't do it lightly.  Don't get me wrong, I think we SHOULD pray these things.

It can be near impossible to describe the feeling when God breaks your heart for what breaks His.  I'm grateful for the heart wrenching pain as it is that pain that makes me act. It is that pain that makes me drop to my knees and surrender all to Him.  It is that pain that gives me the confidence of knowing that God walks before me and with me and stands at the end of my life with outstretched hands waiting for me.

He has also allowed me to see others as He sees them.  He has changed me to a point where I no longer  see people as just another face in the crowd but as unique and beautiful creations.  Who He has made for a specific purpose for such a time as this.

Most people don't see it in themselves. They certainly don't see it in others.

Yes, it can be a challenge at times for me as well.   I'm not claiming to have changed so completely, it certainly isn't by my own will but a complete surrender of my will.  I have lived 46 years desperately trying to prove that I can do it on my own.  To my family, to my friends. Not measuring up to my own standards and getting horribly depressed about it.

Finally it came this year. Late this year...like in the last month... A complete surrender.  I stopped searching for the "job" or purpose God wanted for me.  I started praying simply for God to make me the woman, the wife, the mother, the daughter , the sister, the friend He created me to be.

In that I got my answer.  I realized I've been frantically attempting to fit in to a mould I wasn't created for. At least not at this  time.  I keep searching outside the home.  God finally revealed to me....

Jackie... my daughter, my princess... what is it that makes you run from your home that I have so graciously provided for you? The home that has the amazing husband and sons I have gifted you with?
You haven't failed... as a wife, as a mother, as a homemaker.... You have failed to try because you are afraid of not succeeding.  

It is at this moment. this moment of revelation that a peace that surpasses all understanding washed over me.

These precious gifts... my God, who loves me so perfectly and completely, heard my prayer.  My husband who is the man God gave me to love me and lead me and provide for us.  The beautiful boys that are so completely different and yet so completely us.  The home that God himself has provided for us.  At this very moment, this is where I am to be.

It seems so obvious maybe to some of you.  If anyone reads this but one or two.  It wasn't to me... but it is now and my heart is full of joy.

So this year, I plan on blogging my journey of God fearing mother and homemaker with  you.

Enjoy.