Do you ever feel like your mind will snap at any moment? Like holding on to
a rope with one hand as you feel your fingers gripping tighter and tighter.
Hands cramping, pain in the joints,sweat forming a film between your grip
and the rope you are so desperately trying to hold on to. Holding your
breath, teeth clenched and now you see it... One random feather materializes
out of no where. Momentarily distracted by this odd appearance still unable
to breathe for fear that one wrong movement and you will slip into a
bottomless abyss of insanity never to be heard from again. Then the feather
softly and gracefully floats back and forth on its perilous journey directly
towards my fatigued and slipping grip. The feather makes no noise as it
makes contact and just a whisper of a touch...yet in my mind something has
exploded ,tearing the mind from societies definition of sanity and the grip
is finally relinquished. Falling weightless ,eyes closed , smiling
...finally the suppressed laughter of a broken mind bursts into the dusk and
floats among the pieces of a mind that was never mine.
Is this what insanity feels like? Like a weightless fall into a bottomless
pit? It doesn't feel like a pit, more like a weightless float.... Maybe
it's a complete submission...a release from all of societies expectation of
normalcy.
I gently float and finally come to rest on what feels like a cloud. A mist
of peace covers me like a warm blanket. This is not insanity. The very
definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a
different result yet that's what we all do isn't it? Maybe the mind finally
breaking is a forced vacation from the ever increasing pressure society
inflicts on us to excel. To succeed in a race that is never finished and has
no winners or medals. A never ending iron man race to the top of a mountain
we can't see the top of. If you don't mind, I think I will lay and rest a
while in my societal sanity coma. I plan on resting in my coma cloud until
the shards of my mind find their way back and reform into a stronger new
creation.
Still wrapped in a peaceful mist, a smile gracing my lips,eyes closed and
floating in weightlessness, a shuffle of activity breaks my slumber.
Cracking my eyelids slightly I see a rosy cheeked, smiling cherub smiling at
me. " mommy morning, up". Stretching, I smile and mutter something
resembling "good morning",and throw the covers aside. Another day starts
and another day with my adorable little boys. I look to the other side of
the bed and realize my husband has already left for work, departing in
silence, not making a sound to wake up his family.
Walking down the hall, my mind drifts to the dream I just had. What was
that all about? I ponder. As I begin to shuffle around the kitchen heading
directly to the coffee pot, I turn on the tap to begin making my morning
beverage of caffeinated energy that gets me through the morning, wondering
if my dream was a vision of past events or of things to come. Not ready for
such heavy pondering, I finish making my pot of coffee and head for the
couch for my morning cuddle with my angel boys.
There really is nothing more warm and comforting as the two warm and sleepy
soft and chubby cherub like bodies of my sons climbing onto my lap and
resting their heads on my chest. One pops his thumb into his mouth and a
sound of love and comfort escapes from his throat as he settles in. "
blankie mommy". He whispers and I reach for his blanket he has dragged with
him from his bedroom and cover them both up. My older son pushes the
blanket off and says " no mommy, no blanket just you". Both boys so
different and yet both content to be cuddled. As am I. It's all I want to
do at this very moment. The three of us content and warm wrapped in the
love we share.
What seemed like a moment my sons slide off my lap breaking the warm feeling
that swelled my heart . I reach for my cup of steaming dark caffein rich
liquid energy and I drink in the warming fluid. As it warms my chest I'm
transported back to the memory of my dream the night before. Folding my
legs to my chest I bask in the memory of my peaceful float. Then the memory
of the falling, the fear , the anxiety, the mind breaking torment that
preceded it. My brow furrows as I wonder why I would have dreamt that. The
day before was the usual. Chores and playing, laughing and scolding ,
teaching and bandaging, cooking and cleaning. Moments of feeling
overwhelmed but nothing I couldn't deal with. Speaking of dealing...I get
up , walk to the kitchen cupboard and reach to the top shelf and grab my
bottle of medication I have gotten used to taking daily. I pop the familiar
white pill into my mouth and wash it down with a mouthful of coffee. I
silently pray and thank God for this medication that has made me feel normal
again. Wondering...will I have to take this medication forever? For now,
the answer is yes. It has made me feel like me again, and I am
grateful...because for a while I felt everything but normal. I tend to put
a title to events and stories I verbalize to friends and family. The period
of time in which I felt as though I was losing my grip on reality I have
entitled...
"The year hell came for a visit... and the day I let God answer the door".
