Wow, what a year this has been. I feel like it has gone by in a flash. Not a bright and blinding flash but a flash viewed through a heavy veil.
As much as I would like to say I've been completely alert, I haven't been at all. This year has been a blur. A blur of days turning into nights, weeks and months. A blur of questions. Who? WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? WHY???? WHY OH WHY????? The last question never answered. Not really seeking an answer as to why. Knowing that horrible, awful things happen.
They happen to good people that we dearly love.
Trusting in a new found understanding that God is in control. God knows the end from the beginning. That I don't always need to know why. Just trust. Trust in a God, the Only God, THE God. My God. Who is Love. Who is Mercy. Who is Good. All the time. Yes, even in the horrible, awful times that we don't understand. When we don't understand His plan. We don't understand His timing. We don't understand His reason for allowing something to happen.
It's easy to believe in God when all is going well. It's funny how we put God on a shelf in those times and say hi as we pass by to our next fun adventure. Not funny in a humorous way but funny, odd. I admit it. I've done it. I did it for years. I'll talk to you when I need you again, but I'm having too much fun right now. Then the floor drops... We run to the shelf and cling to God... looking up at Him through tears asking who? what? where? when? why????? and how?? Then when He doesn't seem to answer, He doesn't answer swiftly, He doesn't answer correctly... dare I say... as I heard Beth Moore say in a video... He doesn't behave correctly. We get angry! We refuse to advance in our relationship with Him until we understand WHY!!!
This year has been a journey. This year has been revealing. Last year I remember wondering if God was playing some kind of game with me and get angry at Him at specific moments. This year it's been revealing because I began to stop asking why and started trusting more. Never asking with anger. Sometimes frustration, sadness, confusion, but not anger. An overwhelming sense of peace and love that was poured over me at the end of last year. Wrapped around me with the power of the wind in my back yard one Sunday morning. A whisper in that same wind that told me "I AM with you". Truly understanding "seek and ye shall find". I looked for God. I continued to seek Him all year as I had started too in earnest the year before. There have been moments where I didn't feel His presence. A few years ago I would have asked. "Where did you go God?" "Why leave me to fight this alone now?" I have come to realise it's not God that leaves. It's me. I wonder off blindly forging my own path, then suddenly turn around and realise that Strong Presence is gone, or seems to be anyway. I've come to ask a different question in those times. "God.... where did I get to now??" Seek and ye shall find will always come back into my head. Sure enough I do... seek I mean. Sure enough I find.
Do I need to have all the answers now before I proceed? No. I know that some day I may find the answers. I know some day I will see my loved ones that have gone before me again. I know some day God will wipe every tear away from all of us. I know God came so that we may have life more abundantly.
I choose to live this life more abundantly.
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