There has been so many things bouncing around my mind to write about that I couldn't decide on one subject. Finally one seems to be remaining at the forefront of my mind.  Out of all the things I hear and and see one subject seems to touch my heart and soul more than any other so I have learned to pay attention.

Bullying.

I don't know anyone that hasn't been bullied on some level in their life time. Some have been bullied by the very people they are to trust the most. Some by peers. Some by people they have never met. Victims of bullying choose one of a few different paths.  Some choose to stop being the victim and be the bully.  Some get beaten down and retreat into themselves slowly becoming smaller and smaller until their self worth has all but been destroyed. Some choose to listen to the positive voice of the loving people around them and soldier on fighting to continue to love those around them.  I'm not a psychologist or expert by any stretch of the imagination but I've worked and watched people on an intimate level for many many years. I see the pain the toxic words and actions have on these people and it aches my soul.

I, myself felt bullied by the cruel words of peers as an elementry student. I wasn't pretty enough, though I was slim I had a lower abdomen that would get distended at times. I will never forget the girl in grade 4 that told me with disgust written all over her face " only fat people have that!" Other things said to me was "don't you have anything to say? what's wrong with you are you shy or just stupid?" then later "you're obnoxious, stop talking."  Now, I have come to realize that youngsters like that are trying to find themselves. At that age they are starting to realize the differences in each other. Some are just voicing observations in those differences not realizing the words are cruel and cutting. Some have had cruel comments said to them and feel the need to lash out at others. Later realizing that they were hurt and angry not even knowing why they would treat someone else like that. Some know exactly why. They are hurt and angry and want others to feel like they do. 

In my junior high years I chose to hang out with bullys in order to protect myself from them.  I figured if I was friends with them they would leave me alone.  I soon realized that was a huge mistake as I was turning into the very person I was trying to protect myself from.  I tried to intimidate people, tease them and threaten to tell their parents they were doing something wrong whether they were or not. All things that were done to me. One day my "friend" threatened to beat up one of my other friends. That was the last straw. No one was going to hurt this girl if I could help it. My "friend" got in my face and threatened that if I got in her way she was going to beat me up and before I knew it, my other friend had been pushed over landing on her back.  I was ashamed and embarrassed. My friends were laughing, my other friend was hurt and crying laying on her back. I was standing there ashamed.  What had I become.  Eventually we helped my hurt friend up and as I left her to take care of herself at the community center that was close by I left for home in disgust and shame.  A protective instinct kicked in when I realized my other "friends" followed her into the community center. I turned around and went back to make sure she was going to be alright. What I found was my hurt friend trying to clean herself up and my bully friend trying to forge a new friendship with her.  I think I told her to leave my other friend alone and left bringing my hurt friend with me. As we walked home I apologized, told her I was ashamed of who I had become. Our friendship was damaged though. There was going to have to be alot of change on my part. I knew that, she didn't say it. I doubted we would ever be close again and I realized I had lost a dear and valuable friendship forever.  I don't remember whether I ended the friendship immediately with my bully friends or shortly thereafter. It was fairly easy to sever ties as my loving mother told me to use her as an excuse. To tell them I was no longer "allowed" to hang out with them. Yes, I was a coward. I used the excuse. I wish I had the back bone to tell them that I thought they were cruel. Cowardly. Everything I had become. Seemed like the pot calling the kettle black though.  Eventually they were all kicked out of school for various reasons. Bullying, drugs, absenteeism resulting in failing grades.  Did God know my fears? Was it a God thing these people were removed from my life because I was too weak to walk away from them? I don't know but it's what happened. I've learned that God has protected in me so many situations  I can't even begin to tell you.  I learned over that summer going into grade 9 that God has a plan for all of us, that He will use all things for good for those who love Him.  So many life changing events happened that summer full of anguish and joy. I had to make a choice. Who was I going to follow? Was I going to become a person I would constantly be ashamed of? Was I going to remain a bully or become an advocate against it. Was I going to love my neighbor as myself? Was I going to treat people as I wanted to be treated? My problem was, I didn't love myself at that moment but I knew God did, though I was pretty sure he was disappointed in the way I was acting. I chose God. I chose to start seeing myself as He saw me, not how others did. I chose to be brave enough to start showing who I wanted to be. Someone that loved others. That protected those smaller and weaker than myself. To help others where I could. Without violence or intimidation, but with a gentle and loving spirit. 
I'm not saying this was an overnight change. I still screwed up on occasion. Defensiveness and anger had grown roots that took years to dig up and throw out... and I mean YEARS!
As I continued through grade 9 and then on to senior high I tried to be the neutral friend and be the mediator when friends were arguing or even ready to "throw down".  I did what I could to calm the waters so to speak.              It's been many many years to forgive myself for stupid decisions I made in one year of schooling. Though I continue to remind myself that God can use my mistakes.  Every day I seem to hear or watch something about bullying and it touches not only my heart but my soul.  Recently Pastor Scott Weatherford said something that really hit me. He says alot that really hits me actually.  Prayer without action doesn't mean much.  That is not a direct quote but thats what I heard. I believe the context in which he said it was, if you feel strongly about something and you see someone in need and just say to them "go and be blessed" and do nothing to tangibly help that need... it doesn't really mean much does it?  Sorry Pastor Scott if I got that all wrong but that's what I got out of that. 

Bullying terrifies me, it was bad when I was young but with technology and the internet its a whole new ball game. Kids commiting suicide because they just can't take it anymore is unacceptable. I worry about my boys. How will they handle it? I pray daily for God to protect them always and forever hold them in His hand... just as my own parents did for my brother and I.  I pray for loved ones going through bullying issues. I pray for those I don't know.  I watched a post someone put on facebook of a young 17 year old boy on Britains got talent. His name is Jonathon Antoine. He's got a voice that touched my heart and soul but  a story that touched me more.  He's still seeing a psychologist but had a nervous breakdown last year due to the bullying he's had to live with his whole life. It broke my heart that such a talent could have been never discovered because the cruelty inflicted on this boy.  I thank God for the voice coaches that put him together with a beautiful 16 year old girl who has a voice that compliments his and encouraged them to try out for the show. I wish there was some way I could support this young man and his friend and encourage them. I know God will show me a way.

The most important thing God has taught me is that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are all so unique, we should celebrate each others differences.  I love meeting and getting to know people because as you do you find deeper and deeper layers. We are all given different talents and passions. We are given these talents and passions to glorify His name with. God rejoices when he sees us enjoy and use the various talents and gifts He has given us and wants us to share them. You never know how you are going to touch someones heart and soul with the gift you've been given. You never know how you are going to be a blessing to others.You just need to have the courage to share it.  Learn to love yourself as God does. You are a unique creation. One of a kind. Celbrate that!! No one does you like you! No one has your back like He does. If you choose to follow God's will for your life, you've got the best Encourager ever. You've got God on your side. If you are living and breathing on this planet you were meant to be here. God has a purpose for you life. Stop worrying about how others will think of your gifts and passions. Be yourself, be the person God intended you to be. Trust in Him, love others as the unique creation they are. Don't listen to the ones who choose the other path.  Lift each other up.

As I wrap up I ask for one thing. Pray that I will be open to doing God's will in my life. I pray for anyone affected by bullying but I want to some how take action as well. Pray that God shows me how I am to do that, if that is in fact His will.